“Drama!” by Robert Von Nordheim

Live, in frighteningly real HD, 500 channels of fabulous, funny, and 100% free features! The most premium satellite money can buy! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry – who knows, you might even learn something!

I know you had a frustrating week, so tonight, I thought we’d try something special. I went through your DVR, cable bills, receipts, Amazon.com purchases, and eHarmony profile to create a one-of-a-kind lineup, just for you. You’re going to love it – and that’s a money-back guarantee.

First, on an all-new episode of Law & Order: SVU, Detective Olivia Benson goes one-on-one with the most ruthless human trafficker in the New York underground. Isn’t Benson incredible? And doesn’t she look an awful lot like Cathy Snow from Gender Studies – remember her?

You used to think she looked like Monica from Friends, but then she and Chandler got married and that kind of made things complicated. Besides, Cathy had more of that tough, tomboyish appeal – and wasn’t she majoring in criminal justice?

Oh. No, no, don’t apologize! I understand completely. We really should start with something upbeat. And I’ve got just the thing: Bruce Springsteen, live from Madison Square Garden! Just a couple of working-class stiffs, kicking back with a case of High Life and some old-fashioned rock ‘n’ roll.

What do mean, “You’re not in the mood for Springsteen?” We used to listen to him on the Oldies Channel every Friday night! Fine; I guess you don’t want to watch that VH1 interview, either? Speaking of “The Boss,” have you heard back from Springfield Electric?

Oh – well, at least now we can spend more time together. Let’s just skip The Office tonight – wouldn’t want to bring up any bad memories.

You’re yelling again. Yes, you are! You know I hate it when you do that – how are you going to hear me through these cheap, standard-issue speakers? Of course, you could yell all you wanted, if you’d sprung for Dolby! And don’t use that sort of TV-MA language in my house. I can’t handle all this HBO-style drama – and you can’t afford it.

Look, this is stupid. We both know how this is going to end. You’ll say “this time I’m cancelling my subscription – for good!” You’ll join a gym and get a library card, swearing that can have fun without me. By the end of the week we’ll be so bored and lonely, you’ll plug me in the moment we make eye contact.

Let’s work this out later – no need to get anyone else involved. You know what happened the last time you called my folks – yeah, with the wires and the scissors. And if you’d like, I’ll look away if you “accidentally” stop at one of those old Bowflex commercials when we go channel surfing. OK?

I love you, too.

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